Friday, December 26, 2008

Fear, what's gripping you?

What are we going to leave for the young ones?

Fear of Death
Fear of Failiure
Fear of the Economy
Fear of Insignificance
Fear of Betrayal

These are concepts that the world has been gazing at, dare I say, every single day. And we will keep on gazing at them, however now we have to face them as well, with gloom and doom. Battle lines are being drawn, and we face an era of big changes, an end to life as we know it. You think you are happy? Think again! It is that devil-may care attitude that will bring our civilization down. We are heading fate accompli and it will not be nice. It may be war with a predestined tragic end, a pronounced judgement or (more down to earth) a macabre decision, which we all must face. We could blame the future on the past, however we will not be able to excuse the present. We need to halt an erosion before positive change can appear.

WE must look out for those who need compassion, not fear and deviate it. WE must look twice, not overlook and ignore the ones who are needy. You see, your loving concern makes you a compassionate friend.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Distant lands, takes both my hands

Every time just like the last
On the ship I'm tied to the mast

Lost in my mind and lost in the world. I tread lifes path, wishing for what cannot be found or had. An all encompassing love; from mother, father, teachers or commoners. All i want is for my heart to feel whole again.

I have a peter pan complex and I am emotionally hypersensitive, artistic, intellectual and melodramatic. Furthermore, my personality type is ENFP, the advocate. My life long dream needed for all other dreams to come true has been crushed, I turned 17. My annoyingly perfect heart hurts and I don't know what to do seeing as I will never ever regain a chance to have a fulfilled sweet 16. I blame my mother and her man, an evil American psychiatrist claiming I live in a 'Rapunzel fantasy'. Their monstreous actions done indirect puts hate into my basket of usually only love. When mixed there is AMBIVALENCE. - It's their bad, yes! but NO it's actually my bad because I still love them.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Two sides of the same coin, is all one

We have a big world, to learn how to tie together.
We have a past and a future, to give us a present.
We have night and day, to separate light from dark.
We have good and evil, to make a choice.
We have life and death, to find peace in both.

Two sides of the same coin, it's all one.

'If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever' - George Orwell.

An extraordinary example of my racing mind.
'What if...' - The questions driven by FEAR of the UNKNOWN

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

My enemies are defined as beloved friends but with whome I also compete with and therefore at the same time I despise. I portray all my environment and the people in it as loving, beautiful and caring. There is a theory that I lay my own characteristics onto others so that I can beautify and relate to them. Although in accordance to the theory above, this also means that I lay my 'negative' characteristics onto others, which are the ones I compete with. In other words, the people that I compete with reflect something that battles within myself. Consequently I value my 'enemies' very high and care alot about appraisal of my accomplishments.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

All my times have come

Here but now they're gone

My frantic times has come towards it's end.
My soul is beyond the sky, the sea, the invisible land so very far away. Nothing is perfect anymore, everything is in agony. Closed eyes opened, but now they cannot close. We are in a time of uncertainty and unstable cynisism; the world is in a recession, mother nature is condemned, language is deteriorating and war is ahead and what not. We know nothing and believe in nothing.

Please forgive me if I have sinned, but imagine: if an open-minded thinker searching for the meaning of life finds that there is none. Then the only thing that he can do to implement meaning, is trade his old life for a religious faith and hope to be enligtened and find a meaning.
If there is no divine, this is in fact true oppression, although if there is, it is the doubters who are oppressed.
In the name of all vice, why the hell would such demons exist?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Oh gravity, what a tragedy

Why does the shadowing burden follow me wherever I go and demonized personifies in the present of evil?
It is only in the arms of love that the bird can fly but in the arms of oppression, the martyr is powerless and a victim of, what seems to be, forces beyond control. The antonym of perfection is the foundation to the barrier. Apparently abandonment is the right word, but I would rather have it be diss-perfection. There it is, I fear being diss-perfect and I sold my soul in an attempt to be perfect. 'I' am what I am required to be but how much of 'me' is left.

Dear entity, allow me to find a solution for retrieving my dynamic delirious state.

Monday, December 15, 2008

A time to be born, a time to die

In order for a meaning to exist, a belief has to be present.
To be the star I am, I should not fear the darkness,
for that is where I shine the brightest.
Courage is not the absense of fear, but the mastery of it.

A fire sparkling in my eyes
A sea nourished with my tears
A wind whirling through my mind
A land beautified by my heart
A supreme shadowing to cease my days

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

At my good heart is oppression

I am bemused by the statements I hear quite often these days, that I need to be more subjective and more dynamic. What?!?
For so long I have been criticized for being subjective and informal. Therefore I have fought to become objective and academically formal, since I was told that is the only way to be substantial. Although now I am being told that I need to be more 'alive, personal, emotive' and more 'Michelle' when I have strived to get rid of those fields. Though, still, worst of all is that I had to lapse the former down in order to achieve the latter, and I don't mean temporarily! Then suddently I'm expected to bring it back on command. - Evil tyranny!

I praise myself for being prodigious and my actions for being well adjusted.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Everyone is a storyteller

The winter is here, the sky is gray,
the wind is cold and the sun is gone.
The grass is frosted, the flowers are dead,
the bliss is gone and so is the swan.
The menace is present, the swords are drawn,

the knight is brave and the reaper is grim.
The passion is clear, the demise ends bold,
the sublime is blinding yet thee must it all behold.
For the painter holds the tale to be told, in the new day of dawn.

I have outdone myself again and achieved a second transcendence to my benefit. My best poem yet, and an introduction to my piano sonata.
I know that I do not know the meaning of happenings, however today was a productive day with elegant approaches and enthusiastic people. Still. Surprisingly, I kept my feet on the ground and noticed them and their spirit without being in accordance to me. This was in fact very pleasant and blissful and undeniably beautiful, to acknowledge someones smile without the 'me, me, me'.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Regret is insight that comes too late

Speaking from where I am at in life right now, it was so much better to be young, naive and less educated. Yet there were other things to complain about at the time, in other words one is never fully satisfied. Moreover I found a photo taken 4 years ago, 2004, which brought about feelings of nostalgia and I realise that there are so many mistakes that 'the girl on the photo' would never have done. Knowing that I made those mistakes and worst of all that making them undone is out of reach makes me wish I could start over which is why I try to hold on to a time when regrets were not present. I can not explain what happened and why, because I was naive and unaware. Although from the depths of my heart, I have owned my mistakes and take responsibility for my responses to all situations in my life but have no control over any of it, any more. Furthermore there are not to many left, who have not been overcome, piece by piece and sometimes, like now, it takes a nip at me but I'm too quick to ever be eaten by the monster of the past.

Friday, December 5, 2008

So much to care for

[Left: Me Right: One knows if it symbolizes oneself]
I accept what I can not change however that does not mean I will change in accordance to that. Have you ever had recurring imaginary thoughts, containing yourself performing an action of wish, yet when it comes to reality you don't fulfill it even though you could. Instead you let the feeling of persecution inhibit you. Moreover I am pretty confident that the you I am refering to experience it exactly the same way. I love when you put the ear to ear smile on my face and broaden my wide-eyed horizon.

Take my hand

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Stars and Stripes

She is an enthusiast
She is an achiever
She is a questioner
She is a romantic
She is a thinker
She is a helper

10 advice on how to get along with me:

  1. Tell me when you're proud of me and my accomplishments.
  2. Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot.
  3. Don't burden me with negative emotions.
  4. Give me honest, but not critical or judgmental, feedback.
  5. Appreciate my grand visions and listen to my stories.
  6. Engage in stimulating conversation with me.
  7. Help me keep my environment harmonious and peaceful.
  8. Speak in a straightforward, clear and brief manner.
  9. Don't ignore me, work things through with me.
  10. Don't try to change my style. Instead widen your world.

I become irritated when I have to repeat things, because it
was such an effort to get my thoughts coherent in the first place.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Love goes where my rosemary blows

Time passes so quickly, soon going from a sweet 16 (not necessarily so sweet) to what shall be an interesting sweet 17. Often when time flies, it is a sign that life's surprises has kept us busy enough to enable us to escape from the past. Nevertheless life does not have to be defective and to be content is essentially not too bad. The future times to come will involve a whole lot more witnessing of the shear beauty and elegant magnificence of what is quite breathtaking - life!

So cold the wind has blown
felt abyssal to the bone
dwelling on the unknown
with a chromatic heart of stone
At last infringing my own
admitting to my entire throne

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Pattern of life

To seek signs that represent divine revelation, is to linger over an unmeasured light or darkness so very intensive, or a sound so loud made by something enormous, yet coming from the smallest bell. What I am trying to say is that when something is too clear, of too big magnitude for our brain to pick up, we become muted, earsplitted, blinded, in other words break. So, do we really wan't to see and if we do why are we afraid?

Once a door has been opened, it cannot be undone yet with this knowledge we keep making the same mistakes over and over... and over.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Power of the Intellectuals

To be an intellectual is for the better but also for the less. We are superb and penetrate the minds of the 'simple' by observation. Unfortunately, because our surroundings just live we are distinguished from them, meaning we feel like we are not accesary, apart of our environment. We see the obvious and beyond, whereas the simple do not even acknowledge the obvious and worst of all are unaware of it. We see the lucidity of reality with open eyes, while they see clarity of life only because they are oblivious and keep their eyes closed. One could think it would be lovely to call such people incompetent and preposterous, but in fact such behaviour is encouraged by society.
- Purposefully? and who encourages society?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A brilliant mind turned against itself

Find and plan a route, then ruthlessly execute and deliver.
Make the decision to follow your heart
and create your own world - your own way!

Untill my heart learns to see
I shall keep climbing the tree.
When bad dreams wake me
I shall crusade to simply be.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

When the delusional takes over

"What truly is logic? Who decides reason?

To triumph, results are needed. Publishable, applicable results.
Since medicine is a kill-joy, it disables any work to be done beautifully. Therefore it is denied!
Furthermore what shall be done when one cannot reason their way out of a problem, because their mind is where problem is in the first place?
"- Like a diet of the mind; I need to choose not to indulge certain appetites; like my appetite for patterns; to imagine and dream. "


Thursday, November 20, 2008

Towards the horizon

Righteous judge of vengeance,
grant me the gift of absolution
before the day of retribution.

What happened to the notions of love, grown tarnished and tad.
To be majestic and cruel, hoist by one's own petard.
These assaults on serenity and levels of effort misperceived.
The golden light of glow, nor bared or beheld.
Soon wishing sensitive introspection, rather than ashes of malice.
Forsakenly, many miles of untravelled road has gone to waste.

Damned art thee - there is still time to change the road thee art on.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Justified truth of reality and language

It is hard to forget a world
where you felt loved and
experienced things
which could have been true,
- but may not have been.

Creativity, Brilliance and Madness
I have a low level of latent inhibition which means I focus on every sight, sound, and thought that enters my mind and apparently this can lead to madness.
Could this be the reason for the incoherence when describing my mental sets?

In addition the use of words in a coherent matter will not lead us to higher truth about reality, in fact they do not define it at all. Words are solely expressions of ideas but are not real! For example: you can not touch the word 'flower'.
Although words can refer to specific things but cause confusion as well.
Moreover in order to understand words we need to have an experience of the word of some sort.

  • Try to explain the colour red to a blind man or, the other way around, the sound of a piano to a man who is deaf?
The truth is that being able to hear a sound or see a colour is not the same as the ability to understand spoken words or percieved images.
So the question, that remains unanswered and keeps appearing is:
What would we be without all our senses seeing as we would still be 'alive'?

To conclude we are victims of a disease created by words: thought. Our thoughts are made up of words, that are divided into fragmented bits and pieces whereas justified reality is undivided. Therefore the complex of problems lies in putting reality back into a whole, using thought.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

When there is a will, there is a way!

Sometimes when I find myself in a state of hubris, I seem to feel melancholy at the same time.
How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?

Seeing as language and verbal expressions lack and have big holes, we are controlled by it. Furthermore I shall try to explain my spirit the best way possible; I crave help because at the present I feel insane as it is getting too dark for me to see and the badge located on the left side on my chest is burning. Now even in my restless dreams I walk alone.
Fortunately when there is a will, there is a way!

My dad once told me something like:
"Once upon a time, a wise man was asked if he knew where his heart was located. He responded as such:
- I shall give you only one answer, it is situated on my right side as he raised his left hand clapping his right chest, nodding.
Astonished the questioner looked at him wondering how a wise man could state something so faulty to this magnitude that opposed the universal laws of physics, saying that what goes up does not necessarily come down.
Although what the questioner did not realise is that since the heart is situated on the left side, by acknowledging it as on the right, one is not steered by the instable emotions of the heart as there is nothing located beneath the right side!"
'I love you daddy and so do you .... I love me but don't you'

Work like you dont need the money
Dance like no one is watching
Love like you have never been hurt

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Gloves hold my hand

Survival of the fitest is deficient when there is
no mutual character resemblance.

To little they held my hand
making no immense band
and now alone I stand
having made my own land
with my future planned
with hopes of being grande

Friday, November 14, 2008

The day when the wolf decides...

The day when the wolf will bring the little red riding hood down.
(It is what you people would call 'methaphorically speaking')

IOC day (Individual Oral Commentary)
Is it appropriate for a vulnerable girl to do something completely against her will and her instinct? "Should I skip it. Oh but I have to do it. I will do it but but what happens if I do it really bad or fail? Michelle's achievements: zero."

In retrospect the truth is that I know how these formal presentations in front of a superior authority affect me. They make me regress into a childlike state of 'please be proud of me'. If I fail, internally I beg and plead for proudness probably because the one source of proudness I had, my dad, disapeared. On the contrary if I succeed I blossom, shine and light up as well as inspire every dull soul around!

- Suprisingly the IOC went quite well and no anxiety was experienced throughout the presentation. Ultimately, I am satisfied with my effort and feel content about it, expressing neither of the extremes above.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Life of Michelle

[Subjective affection when reality is great]

"A gallant girl with a prodigal talent"

Today I am very late but I feel great
Yesterday I was the centre of puclic debate
because to my trait they could not relate.
But with no hate and a clean slate,
like Alexander the great,
I will have a fine line of fate.
Just wait, dear American state!

[Subjective fear and anxiety when reality is bad]

'Is it not quite obvious that there is a Cinderella hurt by evil step sisters'
When events as this one strikes I cannot believe nor understand the god damn injustice and lurking.
There always has to be at least one failiure in everything and of course, presumably me. The reason to why I am victimized is in fact due to my own defficient cognition when in a state of distress and because I am so compassionate and emotive about others. Somehow I can sense their emotional states and personality by just glancing at them, but no one seems to ever percieve a justified understanding of the mysterious me.

Moreover sometimes I feel like I don't have time for these classes and these books, memorizing weak assumptions of lesser mortals. I need to look through… - Find a truly original idea.
That is the only way I will ever distinguish myself - That is the only way I will ever... matter.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

My heart of gold

- Mihmet credo

Firstly I would like to thank all the people who care, believe in me and cheer me up. Fortunately for me, the apology I really, really, needed was given to me today and of course I decided to forgive and forget. In addition I have realised that the 'designed event' was actually an incident. Although in order to fully forget, I plucked up the courage and spoke to the teacher whom I thought hated me due to the incident and apparently everything was absolutely fine, and on top of that we had a nice chat. I was told that boys in their teens do not really think about outcomes, instead they are rather spontaneous with what they say. Moreover now all is well and the friendly matter has been regained.

This conflict, one of my biggest yet, was due to internal conflicts or a wrongly made expectation of my teacher's image of me, maybe both. Therefore I still belive in the extraordinary and refuse to believe that 'Once bitten, twice shy' is a justified truth. To conclude, I am still learning about life's downsides and my take on these are that if you have been bitten by a snake, separate yourself from the poison.

"Do not give in too much to feelings. An overly sensitive heart can be an unhappy possession in this shaky earth."

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Life is dandy, not always filled with candy

When in a state of joy
there comes bad boy
aiming to destroy
my beheld toy
and worst of all - enjoys it

I know that my passionate affection for my future can be overwhelming to most people but absolutely nothing accounts for the designed evil event of today.
It brought me down, made me sad, devistated actually, and I even became depersonalized.
If only you could understand the importance or at least show respect, then the result would have been completely different and this state of mind prevented.

The joy and radiance seen in me, does not come out of nowhere and is not accieved in a day or two but rather during a period of time with satisfying and upbeat events and compliments.
Furthermore it is kind of funny when one realises that happiness, the state of consciousness, can be taken away from you in a second. Perhaps what they say is true, that sorrow is the outcome of too much joy. Moreover I have been faced with a new life situation and learned that sometimes reality is too clear for me.

"You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent them from making a nest in your hair"

Monday, November 10, 2008

Lullabies for us honey pies

What's the deal with the girl singing?
The girl you hear singing is named Michelle, or Pristine Girl (her brand name).
The song she is singing is a lullaby named "Miss America"
and is sung by an endearing young girl to the world.

Someday I'll be a Miss America
and that'll be the happiest day of my life.
Someday when they sing; there she is
they'll put the crown on me
and then you'll make live speech on TV.
Oh someday when I am Miss america
I'll tell the world to make things
start when you're young
and what fun it's gonna be
when we just sing tears on to me
Oh someday I'll be Miss America

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I climb and when I reach the top I'll fly

Goals are results intended to be attained that are held close to the heart of each person subjectively. Patience is required in order to reach each goal and the path towards them is frustrating and long, almost long gone. Usually a feeling of 'save me please' is experienced. A desperate craving for a knight to show up and fill my deep empty space of non-yet-accomplishments is wished for, putting me on the right easy path towards my dreams.

My dreams:

  • Have the best grades in my class
  • Move to America
  • Attend University of California, Los Angeles
  • Become a psychiatrist
  • Become a famous actress
  • Attend a beauty pageant
  • Win the nobel price