The Suicide Tourist

Some call it assisted suicide. I call it honorable death!

In a documentary film called The Suicide Tourist, there was an admirable man called Craig Colby Ewert suffering from ALS, which was to fully paralyse him. He looked to be liberated but tone about dying was so very saddening, unhappy and fearful as he was to do something that would not have been his choice if he had other options. For his assisted suicide, he had asked to listen to Symphony No. 9 by Beethoven and you could see how he struggled to get the oral solution down as his eyes filled with sorrow about leaving.

This is real honorable courage, which reminds us that we fight death for a living every day, that we only have this second and therefore must not be faint-hearted.

Some of his words of wisdom:

"If I go through with it, I die as I must at some point. If I do not, then I choose to suffer and inflict suffer on my family. So it is either Death or, suffering and Death. Plants they are dying. They will be comming back next spring but I probably will not. I end this journey but I will start the next."

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

My enemies are defined as beloved friends but with whome I also compete with and therefore at the same time I despise. I portray all my environment and the people in it as loving, beautiful and caring. There is a theory that I lay my own characteristics onto others so that I can beautify and relate to them. Although in accordance to the theory above, this also means that I lay my 'negative' characteristics onto others, which are the ones I compete with. In other words, the people that I compete with reflect something that battles within myself. Consequently I value my 'enemies' very high and care alot about appraisal of my accomplishments.

All my times have come

Here but now they're gone

My frantic times has come towards it's end.
My soul is beyond the sky, the sea, the invisible land so very far away. Nothing is perfect anymore, everything is in agony. Closed eyes opened, but now they cannot close. We are in a time of uncertainty and unstable cynisism; the world is in a recession, mother nature is condemned, language is deteriorating and war is ahead and what not. We know nothing and believe in nothing.

Please forgive me if I have sinned, but imagine: if an open-minded thinker searching for the meaning of life finds that there is none. Then the only thing that he can do to implement meaning, is trade his old life for a religious faith and hope to be enligtened and find a meaning.
If there is no divine, this is in fact true oppression, although if there is, it is the doubters who are oppressed.
In the name of all vice, why the hell would such demons exist?

Oh gravity, what a tragedy

Why does the shadowing burden follow me wherever I go and demonized personifies in the present of evil?
It is only in the arms of love that the bird can fly but in the arms of oppression, the martyr is powerless and a victim of, what seems to be, forces beyond control. The antonym of perfection is the foundation to the barrier. Apparently abandonment is the right word, but I would rather have it be diss-perfection. There it is, I fear being diss-perfect and I sold my soul in an attempt to be perfect. 'I' am what I am required to be but how much of 'me' is left.

Dear entity, allow me to find a solution for retrieving my dynamic delirious state.

Everyone is a storyteller

The winter is here, the sky is gray,
the wind is cold and the sun is gone.
The grass is frosted, the flowers are dead,
the bliss is gone and so is the swan.
The menace is present, the swords are drawn,
the knight is brave and the reaper is grim.
The passion is clear, the demise ends bold,
the sublime is blinding yet thee must it all behold.
For the painter holds the tale to be told, in the new day of dawn.

I have outdone myself again and achieved a second transcendence to my benefit. My best poem yet, and an introduction to my piano sonata.
I know that I do not know the meaning of happenings, however today was a productive day with elegant approaches and enthusiastic people. Still. Surprisingly, I kept my feet on the ground and noticed them and their spirit without being in accordance to me. This was in fact very pleasant and blissful and undeniably beautiful, to acknowledge someones smile without the 'me, me, me'.

Regret is insight that comes too late

Speaking from where I am at in life right now, it was so much better to be young, naive and less educated. Yet there were other things to complain about at the time, in other words one is never fully satisfied. Moreover I found a photo taken 4 years ago, 2004, which brought about feelings of nostalgia and I realise that there are so many mistakes that 'the girl on the photo' would never have done. Knowing that I made those mistakes and worst of all that making them undone is out of reach makes me wish I could start over which is why I try to hold on to a time when regrets were not present. I can not explain what happened and why, because I was naive and unaware. Although from the depths of my heart, I have owned my mistakes and take responsibility for my responses to all situations in my life but have no control over any of it, any more. Furthermore there are not to many left, who have not been overcome, piece by piece and sometimes, like now, it takes a nip at me but I'm too quick to ever be eaten by the monster of the past.

A brilliant mind turned against itself

Find and plan a route, then ruthlessly execute and deliver.

Make the decision to follow your heart

and create your own world - your own way!

Untill my heart learns to see
I shall keep climbing the tree.
When bad dreams wake me
I shall crusade to simply be.

When the delusional takes over

"What truly is logic? Who decides reason?

To triumph, results are needed. Publishable, applicable results.
Since medicine is a kill-joy, it disables any work to be done beautifully. Therefore it is denied!
Furthermore what shall be done when one cannot reason their way out of a problem, because their mind is where problem is in the first place?
"- Like a diet of the mind; I need to choose not to indulge certain appetites; like my appetite for patterns; to imagine and dream. "

[21/11-...]

When there is a will, there is a way!

Sometimes when I find myself in a state of hubris, I seem to feel melancholy at the same time.
How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?
Seeing as language and verbal expressions lack and have big holes, we are controlled by it. Furthermore I shall try to explain my spirit the best way possible; I crave help because at the present I feel insane as it is getting too dark for me to see and the badge located on the left side on my chest is burning. Now even in my restless dreams I walk alone.
Fortunately when there is a will, there is a way!

My dad once told me something like:
"Once upon a time, a wise man was asked if he knew where his heart was located. He responded as such:
- I shall give you only one answer, it is situated on my right side as he raised his left hand clapping his right chest, nodding.
Astonished the questioner looked at him wondering how a wise man could state something so faulty to this magnitude that opposed the universal laws of physics, saying that what goes up does not necessarily come down.
Although what the questioner did not realise is that since the heart is situated on the left side, by acknowledging it as on the right, one is not steered by the instable emotions of the heart as there is nothing located beneath the right side!"
'I love you daddy and so do you .... I love me but don't you'

Work like you dont need the money
Dance like no one is watching
Love like you have never been hurt

Gloves hold my hand

Survival of the fitest is deficient when there is

no mutual character resemblance.

To little they held my hand

making no immense band

and now alone I stand

having made my own land

with my future planned

with hopes of being grande

My heart of gold

- Mihmet credo

Firstly I would like to thank all the people who care, believe in me and cheer me up. Fortunately for me, the apology I really, really, needed was given to me today and of course I decided to forgive and forget. In addition I have realised that the 'designed event' was actually an incident. Although in order to fully forget, I plucked up the courage and spoke to the teacher whom I thought hated me due to the incident and apparently everything was absolutely fine, and on top of that we had a nice chat. I was told that boys in their teens do not really think about outcomes, instead they are rather spontaneous with what they say. Moreover now all is well and the friendly matter has been regained.

This conflict, one of my biggest yet, was due to internal conflicts or a wrongly made expectation of my teacher's image of me, maybe both. Therefore I still belive in the extraordinary and refuse to believe that 'Once bitten, twice shy' is a justified truth. To conclude, I am still learning about life's downsides and my take on these are that if you have been bitten by a snake, separate yourself from the poison.

"Do not give in too much to feelings. An overly sensitive heart can be an unhappy possession in this shaky earth."